I only write long articles about love once in a blue moon. Alright, let’s just say that today is an exception. I got inspired and colored the moon blue.
Ladies around me have been smitten by the love-bug recently. They are all expectant and giddy with promising relationships that unfolded during the start of the year. Some of the guys I know, however, have just failed their courtship exam and opt to take a pause from possibly being given false hopes. Hold on a second, that’s two spectrum of love left for me to critique, and appreciate.
Girl friends and gentlemen, as much as you do, I like the feeling of excitement coming from a thought that a person right in front of you could be “the one.” The experience of being adored by someone you admire is priceless, despite the possibility of the relationship not working out in the end. On the other hand, rejection and break-ups is frightening. Sometimes, thoughts of past hurts would creep in and manifest itself during the get-to-know-you stage without myself noticing it. Aside from being rejected, I experienced getting the upper hand in some occasions and turned down guys. This makes me extra careful now (but still haven’t mastered it) on how I convey messages among suitors and make myself clear about our intentions and expectations .
“I believe that The One strengthens you, lifts you up and does not produce anxiety,” says Kathryn Alice, author of Love Will Find You. “When something isn’t right, your intuition keeps trying to let you know by putting nagging doubts in your mind as well as continual anxiety. This is a gut thing, and your gut is rarely wrong.” Read more about this quote
Women’s intuition is more at work with regards to first impressions in relationships (guys, do you sense this rightaway,too?). A colleague who has been doubtful on the faithfulness of her pursuer. She sees comments on the guy’s facebook wall from random girls and suspects him for this. It eventually turned out that he is courting another woman at the same time, and they turned out to be together after a few weeks she declined him.
One of my girl buddies pressed the red light on after her first date with a cool guy introduced to her. Their conversation is smooth over Skype but they didn’t connect when they meet face-to-face. “It’s hard to force something (attraction) that isn’t even there from the start, although we tried.” The feeling could be mutual since the guy backed off for a while. No more “hellos” at her when their both online.
“When we first met, the chemistry wasn’t there,” says Lauren from New York, speaking of a relationship she had high hopes for… at first. “Sometimes that attraction develops as you get to know a person and sometimes it doesn’t, but it’s very different from instantly having that sizzle of chemistry when your date glances at you for the very first time.” Read more about this story
Intuitions, if real, will later be presented with signals that loudly says YOU’RE NOT MEANT TO BE! It is usually fear that keeps one of you to hold on. But if the other person is persistent, willing to change (and has learned the right signals overtime), that’s another story. It may be the TIMING, and NOT THE PERSON, which is the problem.
I learned that it’s easier to recognize the signs that he’s not the one than figuring out if he (or she) is the one. Related article: How do you Know. The latter could take a longer time to discover. But then again, your standard rule can always be bent considering that we can’t outsmart the master planner of our circumstances. A friend who’s getting married soon shared that most of the characteristics she did not like her husband-to-be to have were disregarded (these of course are the physical and negotiable ones) yet she found him to be the best person who complements to her lifestyle, faith, attitude and personality.
Frightening but Right
Now what confuses me, is when someone (marrying age, seems emotionally matured) says he is not yet ready for a relationship. Some suggests that he is not just into you, or his circumstances are not “perfect” to accommodate you.. or the statement is exactly what he means. Nonetheless, whether this would come from a guy or a lady, the heart could interpret this as rejection. And unless otherwise explained, questions will linger if the communication line hasn’t been open in the first place. Related post from me: “Read Between the Lines”.
Recently, I’ve come aross an internet post written by Therese Schwenkler about turning down a perfect guy. (If turning down a guy or girl you disliked would be difficult, how much more if he or she is someone “ideal”). Check out her story here.
“The new me remembered how I had hurt people in the past – how I had kept one guy around who I never saw a future with simply because I couldn’t stand to be alone. This was a guy who’d adored me and who would’ve done anything for me, but I could never appreciate who he was. When I was lonely, when I was bored, when I was sad, I would call up “the guy.” The rest of the time I would blow him off. At the time I didn’t realize how inconsiderate and how selfish this was. My attention was never completely there; I never treated him with the respect and consideration that each one of us deeply deserves.” Therese told him the truth, even if at some nights, she still wanted to call him up and fall into his embrace.
Longing – this was the term I heard my guy friends recently used to describe their desire to be with someone. Weird, but I kept hearing this word from random people for the month of February. It might be because of Valentines day bringing about the adrenaline rush for those who wants to be in relationships. Emotional longings are good but it should be channeled in such a way that our hearts are being guarded from getting tied up without commitments. On this note, commitment (if both of you still has value for integrity and word of honor) is important in securing cheat-free-relationships. Joshua Harris puts it this way: the joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. Read more here.
You have a choice to fill that craving temporarily or look for a better way like Therese.
“At the same time, though, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. When everything was said and done, I felt proud of the woman I was becoming – a woman who, for the first time in her life, was learning to stand on her own. A woman who was capable of treating another with the dignity and respect he deserves, and who was no longer content to keep a person around to lean on instead of to love. I came to see that only in standing on my own for a time could I be molded into that person I was meant to become, into that person who’s whole and complete and who’s deserving of the man that’s waiting patiently in my future.”
We look forward for the next chapter of Therese’s story to unfold hoping that she will gain the reward for this choice.
Just for the Heck of It
I believe that we go through the ups and down because of a purpose. Your heartaches could be a source of healing to another, and your experiences could complement as solution to another person seeking enlightenment in this arena. There are still people who will freely give, not because they are the perfect source, but they have found out for themselves that this is the way their own needs will be met.
Dreamer asked, “Is it true that unselfish love really exists?”
Hope answered, “It’s the only love there is. All else is an imposter. True love is best for all.”