His name is Luke.

We’ve been seeing each other for a long time now. “As friends”.  This is what he repeatedly tells me whenever he feels a slant of affection in my language.  Not blatantly, but he will literally end each of his sentences with the word ‘friend’.

‘Are you doing this because I turned down your proposal?’.  I’ll say this question in my head with that annoying feeling.  I remember that I was the first one who told him about friendship, and how important it is for me to get to know him more.  He’s saying that he knows me.  But I was not convinced that I know him enough, to trust him.  I can’t find both logical and emotional  reasons to say yes.

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. -Albert Camus

Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend-Albert Camus

I was inspired by Katy Perry’s song as I write this. “Hot N’ Cold” it is.  Call it mood swings, or bipolarity.  Whatever you like. But it’s not a one sided thing for me and Luke.   Despite the clarity we gave ourselves, I would still see him as more than that.    Wait, did I just mention clarity? It’s confusing because things still seem unclear.

He still had this special gestures.  He is generous with appreciative words about how I look, he still speak about my kindness.   He would still make time for me if he chooses to.  But only if he chooses to.  He would say that spoiling my clamor for his companionship will require a relationship more than that of friends.  I don’t care what he’s intention is now but I still perceive it this way:  I’m still special.

I would ask how he is, because I miss him.  I would seek his advise on random concerns, because I want to know how his response.  And I am often impressed, but still wouldn’t believe it’s from him.  I am resolved that all we have is friendship, but I could not resist to look back at how we started –    that important chapter when I answered his exclamations with a question mark.

“Lovers!”

“Friends?”

My answer should have ended with a period.

Make-up-your-mind

“Blurred”-  I remember my guy friend using this term , for a mutual, no-commitment relationship.  What was unclear for him is if the girl likes him or not.  “It seems that she likes me, but I can’t tell.”  He can’t tell because he is testing the waters and would not dare to move forward.  Now that was confusing because he calls it mutual!  Mutual in a sense that they like each other,but not necessarily as partners. They had to make sure.

Liking one person is different with liking him or her as your future spouse, I guess.  Now he doesn’t want to pursue because he does not understand what ‘like’ means for her, and sadly, for himself.

Timing is key. Right person, wrong time maybe for his case.  But they have to make up their minds in the future.

I have known most guys to be ‘seguristas’ (makes sure before taking risks) from stories of my girl friends.  I have been tempted to see this as a cowardly act for men but I was corrected by my male friend who  happened to be one.  “No chance for hit and miss at our age.  She just has to be the one.”  Investing emotions on his part may have been difficult, especially that previous pursuits may have led to a bad ending.

Is there any bad ending to relationships?  It’s only you who can give a definition.  But as long as you have learned your lessons and move on with hope, it may not be as bad as it seems.  None of my previous romantic relationships ended bad.  There were heartaches but it turned out good for both of us and we still remain as friends.

In my dreams, I could be a Princess, and that's what I was. Like most little girls, I believed nothing less than a Prince could make my dreams come true.-Loretta Young

In my dreams, I could be a Princess, and that’s what I was. Like most little girls, I believed nothing less than a Prince could make my dreams come true. -Loretta Young

I rarely see a hero nowadays – someone who will wait until the princess he rescued would fall for her.  But she won’t fall for him by the mere act of pretentious rescuing which happens when he’s at his best foot forward.  But he just has to pursue me, anyway.  This may just be the ideal story in my head but  I always hoped that things will end like a fairy tale.

But I’m not the writer, and I’m not the actress as well.  I’m just, human.  Sometimes the plot can just turn upside down.  I remember Luke on certain times that I find myself like him.  He just reflects my thoughts and attitude about relationships during that particular moment in my life that we met.  Weird, because his lukewarmness taught me a lesson and rekindled to me a word that almost lost its meaning.  And it was put aflame in a different way.  I can say a thousand of explanation as to what I meant by that.  But I prefer not to for now.  The words will come to you when you experience it, and you will not miss out passing it on your next relationships when you have it.

Dear Luke, I understand you.  Because I have been like you.  Let’s get our convictions straight now and change our former name (Luke Warm).

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