I have heard men say sorry on your behalf. I was blessed hearing it straight from you, too. But the truth is I am not the only one who have been hurt. I know that you went through some pains as a man. For all these, let me write words that can heal you. I am sorry, and I hope you will understand.
I have left you hoping and hanging. Forgive me. I was scared of how you will react. The least I could do was explain and make you understand. I ran away instead.
Sometimes it’s not what I have done but have failed to do. I really liked you but didn’t express it then. Perhaps I gave you a hard time. Sorry for that, too. I didn’t expect that things would be late for me to do so. I didn’t try to get you back when you were waiting for me to fight for you.
You have been guilty of seeing another woman. Guys are around me, too. I have been equally unfaithful because I wanted revenge. I made you feel inadequate, I was discontent. And I never found what was lacking with those other men.
I played around with your feelings. I was immature. Now I know how you feel because someone has broken my heart after our relationship. Life is fair after all.
I was obsessed. I feared that I would be too lonely without you. I was jealous and anxious. I forgot that you have your own world and a life to live. I moved on and realized that I overlooked preparing for my future. I had so much of catching up to do.
I awakened your desire and kept you lusting for my love when I had nothing to give. It was not all your fault there.
I tempted you to look and touched your weakness as a man. That affection of yours should have been reserved for the woman you’ll marry. I knew that I’m not her because I’m not ready to commit.
I demanded too much. I was selfish and depended on my happiness from you. Pleasing me became your habit and that hindered both of us to grow.
I should have listened and gave you the space you asked without us breaking up. I regret not giving ourselves a chance to work things out.
I went ahead of you and robbed your power to make a decision. I always called the shots and failed to support you when you could have led our relationship better. I held back the praises you deserve and that made you doubt yourself. But I always knew you can do it. I just wanted control.
I wasn’t honest with myself and tolerated what you want to happen. I compromised my convictions and got broken in the process to fit into your mold. I should have corrected you if that’s what it means to really care.
I guess I just loved you more than myself. This is my mistake.
Will you forgive me? So that you can love the woman in your arms, now? I don’t know her but I feel the same as her. I can tell that she needs you. Please don’t blame her with my mistake because she is a totally different person. She could be ready to love you and deserves your trust. Give yourself a chance.
It’s not all bitter memories I kept, you know? The sweet memories are still etched in my heart, and I’d be excited to hear that you found sweeter ones now. Even in the arms of another.
This thing called love has been unclear to me, until I realized that no one in this world can love us perfectly. And this is the reason why we cry, and long, and hurt each other. Our past encouraged me to learn from my mistakes and allowed myself to be loved first before I embrace another man again.
Note: “From the Woman of Your Past” is part of my series of letters to John.
Part 2 – The Girl In Your Present
Part 3 – Your Future Queen